Impaired Definition of a Reader/Writer

I am not a writer, nor a reader. Or, at least that is what I have always attempted to convince myself. Growing up, the education system, my parents, and friends all wanted me to read and write. They would say, “reading will help you grow your vocabulary” and, “good writing is an important tool for a successful future”. These statements are hackneyed, but factual. It was not until junior year of high school, while reading Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, that I would truly connect with a character through empathy of their mental illness and realize that I am indeed a reader and writer.

As a child, I only read poetry. I was never able to connect to the fictional stories of adventure or novels with some deeper meaning that was nearly impossible to find. Somehow Ogden Nash was the one and only that I understood. The way the words flew off the pages and into my imagination made my young self obsessed with his works. I read his poems when I was home schooled, and did not have to write analysis or argumentative papers. Then, I would not dare to call myself a reader, because I was not into the stereotypical genres of other children my age. I would not dare to call myself a writer, because all I wrote were lists of chores I had to finish.

Diving into middle school essays and thick books with smaller print was a shock that took me a while to bounce back from. Suddenly I was being forced to read books I had no interest in, in what seemed to be a period too short to be considered enough time for comprehension. My essays were rushed, incomprehensible, and mundane. As time moved on, my skills improved, but my contemplation as a reader and writer remained constant.

The first two years of high school english class were not filled with many readings or essays, but instead grammatical lessons. However, taking AP Literature junior year filled my time with historic and philosophical pieces I had never heard of, but was glad to meet the acquaintance of. From Phaedo by Plato to The Loved One by Evelyn Waugh, I quickly grew interest in the metaphysical aspects of literature. My class would discuss each novel throughout the period of a week, and be given more than enough time to develop our opinions and write a well thought out essay. When it came to reading, discussing, and writing about Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, I had an understanding and connection with the characters and the writing more than ever before. Specifically, Gregor Samsa, the protagonist who suddenly woke up one morning transformed into a bug, allowed me to come to the realization of being a reader and writer. Gregor’s transformation was not only physical, but mental too. As the chemicals in his brain became more bug-like from the human he once was, his actions and emotions were severely altered. He was uninterested in what used to be his favorite foods and grew aggressive towards his family. Gregor’s brain may have deteriorated as time went on and altered his personality, but that does not permit the neglect he received. I had immense empathy and understanding for Gregor, as change is not always an option, but instead forced upon you with no option of returning to the normal. His family lacked the understanding of his situation and mentally separated this bug from their son. Relating to Gregor in which both his physical and mental transformations were not accepted by his closest relatives allowed for me to read with a new fluency and write with more ease. The sympathy for Gregor and his struggle, and how it related to my own past, turned into a drive to write and a reason to read more. I had come to a realization that connection to a character in a novel may be important to eloquent discussion and coherent writings, but it is not a necessity. Gregor made me reflect on characters in a myriad of other past readings and I realized that there was always a glimpse of connection, no matter the circumstances. Some glimpses are larger than others, but within every reading, and every writing I now do, I think of Gregor, and I think of what I can connect to.

The length in time in which one comes to an acceptance as imagining themselves as a reader and writer may differ from one individual to another, but that does not define their success as such. I thought that schoolwork could not make me a reader because what I was reading was not on my own terms. I thought these essays flying off of my mind and onto paper could not count as writing because they were not creative, but straightforward. I was wrong. Reading and writing does not have to be confined by one definition, but is left up for personal interpretation. Metamorphosis altered my perception of these topics in a way my younger self would have thought unimaginable. The novel made me reflect on my past refutes of being a reader and writer, and permit me to look at novels and essays from a new perspective based around connection. I am grateful that I was able to come to this discovery so early on in my writing and reading career, although it seems as if it has taken a lifetime. I am finally able to speak with confidence that I too am a reader, and I too am a writer.