Kathy Manessis

EDR 605 – Spring ‘16

Right, Left, Right, Left

I have always considered myself to be quite normal. I live in a house. I drive a car. I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I go to work, and I come home. I move through my days like an android: I wake up, I shower, I brush my teeth, I eat my breakfast, I go in my car, and I drive. I do not think, I just do. My body and mind are in sync, as both are so routinized. I never thought twice about the control that my mind wields over my corporal body. I just went about my life as any other able bodied human being.

However, one morning, I felt that I needed to take a walk. It wasn’t particularly ideal walking weather, but an inner drive within me made the action compulsive. I automatically threw on my shoes, thoughtlessly slipped into a jacket, and mindlessly walked out of the door. As my feet robotically moved forward, I realized that I forgot my keys, wallet, and cellphone. I wanted to turn back. I needed to turn back. But I could not stop my legs from repeatedly moving forward. Right, left, right, left. Out of my control. I needed to walk.

It was freezing outside, but my jacket was made for spring. It was pouring, but I did not have an umbrella. I was shivering, quivering, shaking all over. But, despite my innate desire to seek shelter from the elements, I continued mechanically pushing forward. Right, left, right, left. My mind was racing. I felt a storm of anxiety welling up within me. ‘I will get sick. I will get hurt. I will get lost.’ But my body was not my own. It was not within my control. It just kept doing all it knew: right, left, right, left. My thoughts screamed ‘STOP! TURN BACK!’, but my legs were not getting the message. So I did all that I could. I walked further into the abyss, further from familiarity, further from safety, for that was all I could do.

The sounds of the storm were piercing my ears. The raindrops splashing sounded like waterfalls. The thunder sounded like an earthquake. The cracking of twigs beneath my feet were reminiscent of tree limbs cracking in half. I had never heard such overwhelming, disturbing sounds before. I covered my ears and hummed, hoping to block out the sounds. Instead, this made the people stare at me for longer through their windows. I began to notice their whispers. They do not understand that this is not me! What is happening to my body? Why can I not control it? Where is my voice? Why can I not speak? Why are these noises so incredulously loud? I am truly helpless, so I continue with the only familiarity I know: right, left, right left.